A few days ago as I was unloading my little ones out of the car two elderly couples walked up to get in their car parked next to mine. They all stopped and began admiring both Rex and Vivienne. "Such a beautiful baby, what dark eyes." "Would you look at that pretty little girl and her cute outfit?" "oh they are both at such a fun age!" Then they all climbed in the car but one woman lingered back and leaned into me "I'm sure you hear this a lot honey, but enjoy this time, it's the most precious part of life."
The night before this encounter I had a moment while I rocked Rex in his dark room nursing him to sleep. I am so happy I thought to myself. Then I was quickly consumed with panic. Wait, stop, time please slow down, I need to catch up to you! I could see the years in my mind. The ones with my young new little family and my sweet little babies slipping through my fingers. I am not looking to the future and forgetting the present but I AM reminded that time is so fleeting.
This holiday season I have been centered and focused in on my life and all the good that surrounds it. I am so blessed. I am so loved. I am so happy. So blissfully happy. The stage of life I am in right now brings me such joy. Growing up I dreamed about having babies. Being a mother was meant for me. Not that I am perfect at mothering, mothering is perfect for me. I need it to feel whole. To feel fulfilled. To feel like a woman. Holding my babies and looking into their beautiful faces and knowing that I carried, birthed, nourished and now love and care for them is above all the greatest gift I could ever know on this earth. I know that all my stages of life will bring different joys but I know I can honestly say that these are the golden years for me. I am in it. My element. I think if I could I would have my life stay in some crazy limbo where my babies stay little and innocent forever.
At no other time in my life thus far have I been so touched and involved with strangers on a daily basis. Something about having little ones just knocks down all the barriers and opens up a kindred connection between strangers and I both young and old. For that brief few minutes or even seconds we are one in the same sharing our love for the children we have been blessed with however small or grown they may be. A checker at the grocery telling me of his new baby girl. A woman remembering her daughter so little who is now a beautiful teen. A sweet old man with talk of his children grown with little ones of their own. It always brightens my day and is a constant reminder of how much I cherish my babes.
Life is beautiful. I am so blessed. I have struggled the last couple of years with being negative and down with certain situations in my life and I am so proud to feel that I have changed and grown and reached a place where I am finally genuinely happy. Still growing. But so happy. I am fiercely in love with a man that loves me back and makes me feel like I want to be my best self. Loving him is effortless. Watching him with our children has deepened and continues to deepen my love for him daily. I have the most beautiful, healthy and happy children. Their little bodies are bursting with giant spirits and enormous hearts. Living life through their eyes day to day has woken me up to the splendor and beauty and simplicity of it all.
I will continue to have moments of panic and worry that time will not just STAND STILL. But for now I am content to just let my whole being be enveloped in the love and happiness that is my stage of life. My sweet tiny little Rex will toddle toward me and reach his arms up my legs. I scoop him up and kiss his sweet soft cheeks and smell his delicious skin. I look into his deep dark eyes and he gives me his adorable crooked smile while touching his baby fingers to my chin. My Viv will give me her adorable smile and ask to hug me (hold me). I pick her up and she entwines her fingers in my hair. I brush her sandy blonde bangs that are always hanging in her face across her for head and run my fingers through her soft curls. She kisses my cheek then leans back and looks at me, tilting her head to the side and letting her whole expression soften and relax. "I love you Mommy." "I love you too Viv." My sweet sweet Viv, I love you too.